She’s Crazy

She’s Crazy

  Since time immemorial woman have been called crazy. I just finished watching Britney VS Spears, and all of the old injustices I have suffered through have resurfaced in my memory, and my anger has been rekindled. What does the

Post Traumatic Stress

Post Traumatic Stress

  It started with phone calls. At first I would answer thinking it was my mom or a friend calling. My X raged on the other end of the line seething with sarcasm, hatred, and threats. I’d hop in my

Night Terrors

Night Terrors

I haven’t had a night terror in a few years now. And for that I’m very grateful. But when my nights were affected by them, so were my days – I’d exist in an over-tired and exhausted bubble. They would

Dreams

Dreams

They woke me most nights. As I relaxed into my home and surroundings, and felt loved and protected, my sleep changed. The more safe my little family was, the more intense my dream world became. In my day to day

Signs

Signs

A lot of people are confused by words like abuse, domestic violence, and intimate partner violence. I know I was. For me when I thought of abuse it was always physical – shoving, slapping, punching, kicking, choking or worse. Yes,

Exhaustion

Exhaustion

Being in or leaving an abusive relationship is exhausting. I spent my precious life energy tiptoeing around an “overly-sensitive”, “moody”, and “hyper-reactive” partner. That was on his good days. Words that come to mind are: walking on eggshells, hypervigilant, cautious

Shelter

Shelter

Hello Loves, I remember the first shelter. An attentive woman picked me and my daughter up and took us to a safe house. I was exhausted and scared, but knew we were protected. There was an intake process that shook

Shame

Shame

Hello Loves, I went out for lunch with my girlfriend and her close friend. My girlfriend’s close friend was in the midst of a separation from her X. Throughout their marriage he had exhibited and acted out anger, aggression, and

Guardian Ad Litem

Guardian Ad Litem

Hello Loves, I had a long, drawn out custody case fighting for my daughter. Let me tell you one story about it. I asked the judge to appoint a guardian ad litem (GAL) for my child. I wanted her to

Judges

Judges

  Hello Loves, Being in family court is like being in a play. A tragic play. Like Les Miserables. Everything is an orchestrated act. The court room a grand stage. It starts with the judge, usually a white male, in

Power

Power

Hello Loves, Male violence is not biological. It’s cultural. It’s taught by family, friends, schools, communities, work, and society. My X was dominated and controlled within his family. As a child, he was naturally in tune with his feminine self.

Proof

Proof

Hello Loves, Intimate partner violence has a lot of invisibility to it. This is where not being believed can get challenging and dangerous. This is where significant changes need to be made to laws and the judicial system. It is

Judgment

Judgment

Hello Loves, Have you ever judged a woman for not making the best choices? And if they’re a mom, well forget about it. Moms are held at a Buddha-Jesus-Guanyin like level. They are supposed to attain parenting perfection daily. I’ve

Belief

Belief

Hello Loves, A lot of people didn’t believe me. Even well-intentioned friends. That was one of the hardest realities of leaving my X, and discussing the sad fact of the abuse he inflicted on our family. The first person who

Trust

Trust

  Hello Loves, How can you trust anyone ever again? This has been a question asked of me for years. Especially by women. It seems like I don’t know a single woman who has not experienced some form of intimate

Help

Help

Hello Loves, I have this idea. What if we could change the paradigm, that when women and children experience violence, they escape to a shelter? Women have been protecting and sheltering women and children from abuse in their own homes,

Understanding

Understanding

Hello Loves, Talking about abuse is hard. While it was happening to me, I had no words for it. I didn’t grow up with abuse. I hadn’t seen anyone being abused. I didn’t even have the word abuse in my

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

  Hello Loves, You must forgive to heal. Oh, how I disliked this declaration. It almost felt like an insult. I abhorred my X with every cell of my being. When I thought of him, my eyes narrowed and my

Regret

Regret

Hello Loves, I still live with regret. It doesn’t come around often, but when it does, wow does it ever call up sorrow and grief. Then comes the great purging. I get out my journal and write it down. It

Harrasment and Threats

Harrasment and Threats

Hello Loves, The harassment and threats did not stop when I left my X. They only intensified. My daughter and I stayed with friends while I sorted out my next steps. My X cut off all food and money, and

Animal Cruelty

Animal Cruelty

  Hello Loves, My X was mean to his animals. He had two horses that mostly hung out and grazed in the pasture. He gave them the minimum amount of attention to not be considered neglectful. He moved their tether

Physical Abuse

Physical Abuse

Hello Loves, My X physically abused me and my child. This is a really hard part of my life to contend with, aside from the fact that it happened, and this is why – my mind rationalizes that we don’t

Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Hello Loves, My X was the master of everything. He sold himself as a master gardener, even though he had no formal training, no degree or certificates, and could barely make ends meet with his business or within his own

Progression

Progression

  Hello Loves, My X’s power and control over me was subtle, until it wasn’t. At first he appointed my friends – women he had dated or were in his community. It felt loving and thoughtful. He didn’t want me

Possession

Possession

  Hello Loves, At first I thought it was sweet. I’d driven to a friend’s house and my X called moments after I arrived. He was checking that I got there safely. Then he wanted to know when I would

God Complex

God Complex

  Hello Loves, My X believed he was as smart as any doctor. He had no medical schooling and had dropped out of college. Yet, he always knew better. He thought his hunches were bang on one hundred percent of

Know-It-All

Know-It-All

  Hello Loves, I fell off a horse. I was pretty badly injured. I’d come crashing down onto a cement road, my ankle smashing against it. I was convinced that I’d broken a bone. I managed to get back home.

Witness

Witness

Hello Loves, I witnessed the first fight. It’s not what you think. It was between my X and his daughter. She had come home from school, hot and cranky. He had forgot to pick her up, and she was mad

The Shower

The Shower

Hello Loves, I walked in on my X showering with his preteen daughter. Naked. It seemed like I was witnessing a private and yet normal routine. He stood behind her lathering up shampoo on her scalp. A thing she was

Sleeping Arrangement

Sleeping Arrangement

  Hello Loves, My X shared a bed with his pre-teen daughter. I found this out after I moved in with him. We had picked her up from her mom’s place and went out for dinner. Over bites of pizza,

Ex-Wife

Ex-Wife

  Hello Loves, My X hated his ex-wife. If only that had been enough to signal to my inner self to stay away. But for me it wasn’t that unusual. My parents had divorced when I was nine. They argued

First Date

First Date

  Hello Loves, I met my X at a street party in Hawaii. He singled me out in a crowd of hundreds. The first thing he said to me, before introducing himself, was that the previous guy I had been

Self-Preservation

Self-Preservation

  Hello Loves, It takes a lot of bravery to stand up to someone you once loved, and tell them that your relationship is over, and you want out. It becomes an act of heroism when you’ve spent most of