*TRIGGER WARNING*
Cause – What happened?
Bill came into our lives when I was four. He was the next-door neighbor. It started when he told me – do these things with me so they won’t happen to your little sister. First, he asked me to touch him. As I got older it evolved into oral sex. When I was twelve, he started having intercourse with me. I could tell he seemed excited by the thought of getting caught. But he had groomed me from when I was little. My mother worked at night, and he watched over us. My younger sister spent a lot of time across the street at another neighbors.
Bill had a birth daughter, but he believed you shouldn’t touch your own blood. He had no problem doing the things he did to me as my stepdad. I thought about running away, but I didn’t want to leave my sister with him. I didn’t know how I’d survive financially, or where I’d find shelter, or anything like that. It was just like an everyday occurrence. Don’t come up from behind me and want to give me a hug because that’s what he always did. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive. Made fun of me all the time. Laughed at me. I was seventeen when he told me my parents wanted to adopt me out. He was just a pig. He was just a nasty, nasty son of a bitch. I really don’t know how I survived.
Impact – How did this impact you?
I carried a lot of shame. I carried a lot of guilt. Here’s this man screwing me and he’s supposed to be married to my mother. That’s not right. But it was normalized growing up. I thought this was just the way it was. You get called stupid enough you start to believe it. I had no self-esteem. I felt ugly. Getting my haircut is hard for me even to this day, because I have a hard time looking into the mirror. I just feel that ugly. I just stopped being who I was supposed to be a long time ago. He took so much away from me.
Healing – How did you heal?
Realize that you are worth it. Figure that out. You matter. It took me a long time to figure that out. Learn to love yourself. I’m still standing. I’m still here after three suicide attempts. I’m a lesbian. It’s my choice. I have a beautiful boy. I will be with a partner who loves me for me. Loving myself is better than the alternative. I had to come through the other side. I’m working on it and I’m still here. You can get the hell out too, as soon as you recognize the red flags. Run the other way. Protect your peace.
