Male violence is not biological. It’s cultural.
It’s taught by family, friends, schools, communities, work, and society.
My X was dominated and controlled within his family. As a child, he was naturally in tune with his feminine self. This was not okay within his family dynamics. Ever. And he was punished for it.
Family members physically and emotionally and psychologically beat him down so that they could have power over him and change him into something they thought was more acceptable.
As a young man he repressed his feelings and became very angry. He acted out.
As an adult he carried on his familial tradition of berating and condescending and harassing and gaslighting and guilt tripping, to his first wife and child. The marriage ended, and he was court ordered to anger management classes, which he refused to go to.
Then along came me.
Because there was over a twenty-year age difference between us, I think he thought he would have ultimate sway and authority over me. And for awhile, he did.
He decorated his domination with words like older and wiser. The power over me in the beginning felt like being really taken care of. That morphed into having little, then no say, in how my life looked.
I can see now that of course he was mimicking his familial trauma. That he had never really escaped it. And he never really had the awareness to even slow down, and look at it, and evaluate where he was going off track.
His life had been so out of control as a child. It must have been scary. This created a man who did everything in his power to have control over his life. That included the people that surrounded him. That included me. That included my daughter.
The only way he felt safe was having supremacy over every situation. And when he didn’t, his abuse would then be ignited.
I hope he hasn’t harmed anyone else. I hope he has healed. I hope he is free of his suffering.