Cause – What happened?
Me and my ex were together for over three years. When we got together, we were both addicts. We fed off each others pain and lived in a very negative mind set. I got pregnant a year into us being together. He was really sweet to me in the beginning but as time went on, he began to wear me down emotionally. He lied about everything. I would get sober and would think he was sober too, but he wasn’t. We had a joint bank account, and he took thousands of dollars that we needed for bills. As I got more pregnant and vulnerable, he got meaner and scarier. He didn’t give a shit about me. When our child was born, he used my car for work, and I was alone and isolated. He forgot about Mother’s Day. He forgot about my birthday. When I got pregnant with my second child, things went really down hill. We were fighting a lot. Eventually I was like I can’t keep doing this. I knew that I had to leave him. It got to the point that he would gaslight me so hard and he would say your brain just works differently, your brain works different from everyone else, you need to get that checked out. It wasn’t until I was unresponsive, laying in the corner, staring at the wall, where he would come in and say I hate to see you like this. How can I help?
When he knew I was going to leave him, he hurt my baby. One time I took a nap and heard my baby scream, and my ex said it was gas, but the baby had bruises on his back that I couldn’t explain. And another time he had bite marks on his face and my ex blamed our toddler. I so desperately wanted to believe that he was a good dad. I moved out and I was getting tested for MS and I asked him to take my sons overnight. I took pictures of my baby before I dropped him off. Then I showed up at 7 am that day I went to go change my younger sons diaper and he had a big bruise on his leg and my heart just stopped. I took him to the hospital and found out he had six broken ribs and a broken arm. I had a protection order against my ex, and he didn’t see the kids for awhile but then he got supervised visits. The police said there was not enough evidence to charge him with a crime. We never went to court. We did family mediation online. The kids got to see him again.
Impact – How did this impact your life? My life completely changed when my son got hurt and I was abused. I was a shell of a human being. He really broke me down. I gained 60 pounds in nine months of us being together. I hated myself and felt so unworthy. He prayed on that. He made sure that I really hated myself. When we broke up and he hurt my baby, it was a wake up call for me. It was a choice. The Universe was like you can keep moving forward in the way that you have and make the same choices, or you can make a different choice. I put my baby in this position, I did not have to give my baby to my ex. A different type of mother would have protected her baby at all costs, and I did not. I abandoned my baby just like my parents abandoned me. I chose my mindset. I asked myself why am I giving all of this power to a man? To anyone else? It taught me to own my power, and own my self worth. To stand up for myself and create boundaries. It’s taken a couple of years and I’m still working on things.
Healing – How did you heal?
Having community and people around me who’ve gone through a similar thing helps me to not feel so alone. I like journaling and doing The Artists Way. Also reading books and being called to spirituality. I read the power of now by Eckart Tolle and started taking the advice. I’ve been meditating a lot recently. It was writing though that really moved me through it. Diving into my relationship with God/Source/ the Universe, whatever you want to call it, and developing a relationship with my spirit guides. I’ve always had that faith just underneath the surface. The Universe is always guiding me.
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