*TRIGGER WARNING*
Cause – What happened?
How could I have learned so much in my life and made such a huge mistake? For me as a queer person who came out later in life, I think it’s really important to share this story.
I had my first same-sex relationship after coming out and leaving my ex-husband. I’d experienced abuse and neglect from my parents, sexual abuse as a child from different people, a very abusive experience in the church, as well as going through conversion therapy, and an abusive marriage – all of these things happened, and I finally got the strength to leave all of that behind. I met a woman who said she loved me, but I wasn’t sure what to accept anymore. I was told that people outside of the church were morally bankrupt, so I guessed now I was part of the morally bankrupt, and of course things were going to look different, and because of that, I allowed so much to slide that I never would have accepted if it had been a man. Even as a cautionary tale for women who come out late in life – you need to have the same standards. You should be safe, regardless. I had this relationship from forty-two until I was forty-nine. I was gaslit every which way. So confused to understanding who I was as a mom. She really tore me down in a way that I don’t think anything else has, which is saying a lot, because I’ve been torn down pretty significantly.
When I say gaslighting – if she said the sky was pink, and I’d say not it’s blue – eventually she’d have me believe that the sky was pink, and then I’d tell everyone else the sky was pink. My mother was dying of cancer and this person’s needs were so much more important to her then me being present with my mom and my children. This person became the centre of everything. I wasn’t able to feel whole without them feeling happy. And their happiness was such an elusive thing that was so hard to obtain that everything else including safety, happiness, protection, were all for the sake of this adult’s sick pleasure. She delighted in tearing me down so she could build me back up. Then she’d tear me down again. A repeating cycle. She financially bankrupted me. My mom died. The friendships I had all fizzled out. My reputation has been smeared. It left me in a place where I was financially ruined, my children were broken, my son wasn’t even living with me, and I felt like I was unwanted, not funny or smart or pretty or attractive. I was told by this person that I wasn’t a good mom. That my children would be better off without me. That the world would be better without me. And then to have to walk away and restart completely. She kicked me out and I had six hours to get all our stuff together, and find a place to live, and she had all the money.
Impact – How did it impact you?
We had to move to a different home, then promptly move again because she knew where we lived, which of course cost money and turmoil. My daughter had to move across town and go to a different school, losing all of her friends and teachers. My ex took her kids out of school and placed them in my daughter’s new school, where they abused her. This woman wanted control. She sent me horrible texts and emails followed by – I love you, you’re amazing, you can do anything, let’s go to coffee – and when I didn’t respond, she would tell me I was a horrible person, and accuse me that I couldn’t feed my children. I would change my email, and she would somehow find out my new email. I contacted the RCMP three times before they issued her a no contact order. Since then, I’m all of a sudden on the Jehovah Witness mailing list, or spam from universities with all of my information that I’ve never contacted, and all of these weird calls. She took out a 40,000-dollar loan in my name because she had all of my information. I had restraining orders, and I had to pay to talk to a lawyer. I had a successful business, and I had to take all of my decaling off of my vehicles because she would find where I lived. I had to move a third time to get away from her. I bought her out of our business, but she still had access to my banking information, so she couldn’t pull money out, but she could see where I’d been. I had to close that account. She also opened a Facebook account in my wife’s name, pretending to be her.
Healing – How did you heal?
In the beginning, I just dove in to try to rebuild my social life and my connection with my kids. At first, I was just trying to suppress the craziness and have a little fun. Part of my healing journey was having some control and anonymity over the things that I was doing. Making my own choices. So, in the beginning there was spending therapy and party therapy. Then I did regular talk counseling. And I also did EMDR, and for me that made a huge change. It’s amazing. My ex was in my dreams up until last year and EMDR really helped lessen them. My wife now is loving and supportive, and loves me just as I am. I am so grateful. I talk with good friends. I still have my therapist. I talked to her yesterday. My life is miles better than what it was. Oh! And mushrooms are amazing. Low dose mushrooms are so healing. Very significant. I was able to release my mom and dad and grandma, who all played significant damaging rolls. I relaunched my business and made it successful and relaunched myself and healed myself through therapy.
