*TRIGGER WARNING*
Cause – What happened?
It all started with my father. He was very volatile. I was so scared of him. You never knew what was going to set him off. For example, one day I could come home after school and make myself a snack, and that would be perfectly fine, but on another day, I would come home and make myself a snack, and I’d get slapped or have my hair pulled. It was so inconsistent all the time. I never knew what to do, or what to hide from, or what to stop doing, or what to start doing. I was always on my tip toes. Always in survival mode. Looking back on it know I think my father probably drank a lot. I never ever had a close relationship to him. We were never the type of family who talked. We just shoved everything under the carpet. I was six or seven and I was sitting at the table, and I was trying to open a packet of kraft cheese. I said to my father – I can’t find the line, I can’t open it. My father shouted – what the fuck is the matter with you are you fucking stupid? And he just went off. Even now if I fumble with something, I hear my father’s voice. It’s so bizarre. I know I’m not stupid or incompetent, but that memory still comes up.
I was very resentful of my mother because she just watched it all go down. I thought she was pathetic. I felt like – how can you not do something about this, and why are you putting up with it? The uncertainty of my father, he was just really, really nasty. He yelled and screamed and sometimes he’d come home, and he’d see our shoes piled up by the front door and he would flip out and throw them outside. One day I came home, and the door was gone from my room and my bedroom had been ransacked. He told me – you don’t have any privacy until you’re eighteen. I always knew what he was doing was wrong. I started leaving home when I was twelve. I didn’t want to be there anymore. Sometimes I would go to a friend’s house and sometimes I’d get into situations that were not good. When I was sixteen, I decided to get away and go to Banff to work. That was the last time I stayed at my parents’ house.
Impact – How did this impact your life?
When I was young, the abuse impacted me in a horrible way. I didn’t graduate high school because I had to have a job and pay rent, so I couldn’t do all the things. I have abandonment issues. Before I had a child, I told my partner we’d have to be one hundred percent committed and never turn our backs. It impacted my relationship with my daughter because I worked very hard at not being non-communicative and showing that I care. My relationship with my partner suffers because he comes from a similar background. I’m a talker and he doesn’t like to share his emotions. And when he won’t talk to me about stuff then I shut down. I definitely have work to do.
Healing – How did you heal?
I’ve done a lot of self-reflection. I’ve been to counselling. I wish I could do more. It’s really hard to find the right counsellor and it’s really expensive. I went every week for a year. But then it just tapered of because of the cost. I think counselling should be part of our medical system. The trauma taught me a lot of things. I may have not been educated by a university, but I was very educated by life. Starting my business and doing all that I’ve done, I’m grateful for what I went through. I always look for the solution. I’m always trying to figure things out. I’m a problem solver. My life could have been very different, but I always had people who saw something in me or helped guide me.
I had a major episode a few years ago – a break down. It was triggered once again by a family thing, and I kept saying – Why? Why? Why? And I would go to work and then come home and lie in my bed and cry. It was terrible and that lasted a month. I had to process it all and let it out, get it out of my system and acknowledge it, and then move on. And when I came out the other side, I was like okay, I’m done with those people. I’m done.
