*TRIGGER WARNING*
Cause – What happened?
Everything that happened in my childhood repeated in my relationship – sexual abuse, neglect, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and violence. So, when I was so young having my first child and living in a house like that, everybody talks about red flags, but I didn’t see any because there weren’t any to me. It was just life and the way things were. So even when I got pregnant – it was a coerced situation where I was told not to use protection. Right from the beginning there was no consent with sexual encounters. There was a lot of sexual stuff.
When we got married a year and a half later, there was always very aggressive verbal abuse. An example: we went to Stanley Park, and I was with the kids, and he was parking the car, and we couldn’t find each other but he drove by and rolled down his window and followed me with the car and yelled that I was a fucking bitch in front of everyone. The kids. The whole park.
I was not allowed to spend money and anything I thought about money was wrong. If there was a purchase over a hundred dollars we had to consult. I would have to ask him to buy anything. I stopped grocery shopping because I did that wrong. I stopped cooking because I did that wrong. I just became smaller and smaller. He would be physical and aggressive and loud and stormy and have tantrums and throw things and smash holes in walls and slam and scream. And a few times I got scared and ran out. He would never hit me, but he’d hit the kids and do stuff behind closed doors and then lie about it. He was really nasty to the kids. Said a lot of very awful, awful things to them.
I went to grad school, and he was really angry about it – that I was fucking us over. He would find ways to cut me down, pretend he’d take care of the kids but then they’d get out of control, and he would get out of control with them, and I’d hear it and it was just chronic fight or flight trying to work, but then he’d get mad at me that it was taking me so long to finish. It was an insane circle of hell. I got selected to go to a once in a lifetime research camp. I showed him how to give insulin to our diabetic cat, and he was like ya-ya. Twenty-four hours after being at the camp I got a call from him that the cat was at the vet and had a stroke because she hadn’t had her insulin and that she died.
Everything that led up to me separating from him, he did a lot of manipulation and playing with my mind, showing up at my house, being scary, being creepy, intimidating. But then he went to counselling and the violence dropped off. When he’d get psycho now, he’d just storm off for a day or two. But nothing that I brought up to him to work on has ever happened in his mind. He always denied everything. He’s never apologized.
Impact – How did this impact your life?
When I was young and had sexual abuse, I developed dissociative issues. I was very young. But when I was around twelve, I decided that my parents are not parents, and I’m going to take care of myself, and I’m going to work hard to get what I want. And when I got together with my husband, I followed that pattern, which looked like me doing a hundred million things. Doing anything that would get me out of his house. I was overachieving to prove to myself that I could get that thing. Which is why I feel like now I have chronic fatigue. I literally burned myself out to death. Seriously. My body is just not functional.
I had no self-value or self-worth. Thought I was a piece of shit. I drank a lot. I over exercised. I was anorexic down to a hundred pounds. Then I binge ate. And then that cycle kept going to try and have some control but there is no control.
But the biggest thing that affected me was that I was living a split life. I was competent in my work life. Successful. I could do difficult things. But the second I walked through the door at home I just believed everything he said. I was independent when I was out in the world but then I’d be so dependent when I got home. I was mature in my profession but a dependent child in my home. He knew better.
Progressively, when drinking didn’t work, my brain had to disassociate just to exist. I had depression. PTSD. And I couldn’t manage it. I went to therapy forever. Became suicidal and went to a psyche ward a few times. But still the psychological terror continued at home. And so I had to go on disability. So now I don’t work. It’s terrible.
Healing – How did you heal?
Therapy was critical. I did psilocybin. EMDR. Continued relationships with my therapist and trustworthy friends. The thing that was very foundational for me was going to twelve step and getting a sponsor. They really make you clear your side of the street. And I cleared my side of the street. I saw my faults and all the things that I’d done. I started to make amends. I can now see all of his bullshit. I see through him. It’s just all a convoluted story and game. That helped me break down his lies. I had a journal where I wrote down everything, word for word that he said, and that happened between us, so that I could build up trust in myself. There was nothing he could say that I would believe.
Yoga has been really important because it helped me be safe in my body. When I would lay down into savasana, I couldn’t do that. I was too afraid. I couldn’t lay down and have my eyes closed. Eventually I got to a place where I could lay down and close my eyes and not believe that someone was going to come hurt me. It also allowed me to take up space. I was allowed to have space, make choices, be in my body.
When I did separate from him, I realized I’m not an idiot. I can handle money. I can buy a car. I can pay my bills. I’m skilled to live alone. I can do this.
