You must forgive to heal.
Oh, how I disliked this declaration. It almost felt like an insult.
I abhorred my X with every cell of my being. When I thought of him, my eyes narrowed and my mouth turned down in disgust. I wished terrible things upon him. Terrible things! Unless he was punished, unless there was justice, I would hate him forever.
He had caused so much harm. To me. My daughter. My family. My friends. He instigated so much discord and pain and fear. Why would I want to forgive someone like that? I wanted him to suffer. I wanted my X to suffer the same pain he had inflicted on me and those that I loved. An eye for an eye.
But there is the saying that goes – Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. That is what I was doing.
My forgiveness did not come right away. It took years. And there was no soul searching on this topic. It actually happened out of the blue. It was divinely timed. A lightbulb went off, or as Oprah says, I had an “aha!” moment.
One day, after years of hell with my X, I realized that this man was trapped in a rut. The image came to me clearly. It was one of those deep, dusty ruts that were made by the wagons of pioneers. This man, this human, was stuck. He kept on riding in his wagon on this never-ending rut. He didn’t know he was in a rut. He just kept on the same path. It’s all he could see. It was all that he knew.
I understood that the harm he perpetuated wasn’t personal. He had done it to others before me and I’m sure he did it to others after me. I just happened to be one of the people who’d crossed his rut. He believed that everyone was out to get him. Me. His children. His family and friends. His community. His government. His country. The world.
I am not making excuses for my X. His behavior was toxic and harmful. His hostility had a ripple effect. I hope I never cross his rut again. But I did realize that everyone, including him, is operating at their own level of consciousness. Acting at their own level of awareness. This knowledge healed me.
Forgiveness is the strongest medicine.
I forgive my X.