I have forgiven my X.
I mean my last name is Love for goodness sake, and you can’t carry that name around with hate in your heart.
But I did hate him. I loathed this man. I seethed with fury. Despised him with every molecule in my body. Wished terrible things upon him. Thought of tortuous ways for him to die. Devoured by sharks. Heart attack. Tripping into a radioactive dump. Choking on a green drink. Stung on his private parts by a man-o-war. Dropped from a plane without a parachute. Or the worst one – dying lonely and alone.
My X made it his hobby, his pastime, his sport, to hurt me. It seemed like he had unending energy and passion for this. And in hurting me that rippled out to my daughter, my wife, my siblings, my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles and cousins and friends. Almost everyone who knew me was affected. That is a lot of harm.
And yet, one morning I had an epiphany. This wasn’t about me. It was not personal. I know what you’re thinking. Are you nuts?! That guy screwed with your whole family. Wait a second. Let me explain. My X was stuck in a deep rut. One of those old-fashioned ones made by a horse-drawn wagon that goes on and on forever. He has been stuck in it since childhood. He’s probably stuck in it now. I wasn’t the only person on his shit list. He viewed the whole world as a threat. Everyone was out to get him.
The government. Police officers. Lawyers. Judges. Universities. Professors. Newscasters. Journalists. The wealthy. The poor. The guy who looked at him funny at the grocery store. The woman who cut him off on the highway. His neighbors. His friends. His exes. His children. His CHILDREN. He has so much fear that he is on 24/7 high alert. His goal is to fuck you over before he gets fucked. That is one wounded soul.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to be all buddy-buddy with him anytime soon. I truly hope that our paths never cross again. But seeing him clearly has evaporated my hate. I have empathy for him. I have forgiveness.
Do you have a similar story? Write to me @firstname.lastname@example.org