Cause: What happened?
I knew this guy since I was ten years old. He was a family friend. I was head over heels for him. I was seventeen when we started dating. I was still in high school. He was twenty-four. From the beginning it was red flag after red flag. He was cheating right off the bat. Lying to me. I was always wrong. Blocking and barricading me in the room so I couldn’t leave. He did drugs and I wasn’t for it. There was a lot of emotional and psychological abuse. He said my friends were out to ruin our relationship. I became very secluded and isolated. I had one friend that was like a sister, and he couldn’t stop her from being in my life.
When I was seventeen, I had a lot of health issues and my doctor told me I would likely not have kids, but if I wanted them, I should try to have them now. I graduated from high school and all I ever wanted was a family. So, we tried to have a kid. We lived in the middle of nowhere. He took my vehicle because he didn’t have one, and I was stranded and alone. I got pregnant and we moved because illegal stuff was happening at the time, and I told him I was not okay with it. He’d put me down. Demean me. Was constantly cheating. When I would find out, he’d lie and say it was a friend from work, always an excuse. He would say I’m attacking him. He smashed and destroyed our furniture. He’d throw all my clothes outside, my dresser, anything I cared about he destroyed.
We had 3 kids in 3 years. The finances got worse. His needs always came first. Then the kids. Five years after giving birth I was still wearing my maternity clothes. We moved to another place, and it was really secluded, and all of our friends were his friends, but I considered them my friends. He presented himself as fun and happy and easy going to these people. He was so charming. More things got ruined. He went to throw a coffee cup at me, and it was embedded in the wall. Then there was the pushing and the shoving. Once we fell down two flights of stairs together.
Then the sex abuse began. If I wanted to go out, I was expected to please him before I left. He didn’t punch me, but he went right past my head and punched holes in the walls if I didn’t want to have sex. I was 24 with 3 kids. Everything started escalating. I tried to leave several times, but I always went back. I had nothing. I’d pack my kids in a double stroller and try to leave. I didn’t want my daughters to think this was normal and I didn’t want my son to think this is the way he should treat women. I had a counsellor who told me it sounded like I loved my life until my husband came home. What made me actually leave was that he was smashing up the kitchen and the kids were hiding in their room, and I grabbed our wedding photo from the wall, and I just lost it and smashed it. What kind of life was this? In my journey to leave him, he sexually assaulted me three times.
I lined things up secretly to leave. When he was home, I would go sleep in my car. We went to counseling, and he lied and made me sound like I didn’t give him the affection he needed, and the counselor suggested that maybe he was a sex addict. And I was like – so that excuses the abuse I’m getting? I was done. I left. I did it. Eleven years later.
Impact: How did this impact your life?
I was a single mom with a seven-, six-, and four-year-old. I thought leaving would make things a whole lot better. But I lost all of my friends. We tried mediation, but I was still fearful because he was trying to manipulate and control everything. There were court battles. He manipulated the court systems. It was very ugly. With the kids it was a battle. One time he tried to kidnap them. Financially, he made really good money. I only asked for child support. I ended up with a settlement and me and my kids started from scratch. We had our clothes and a couch. That’s it. But there was neglect when he had them. I felt so bad for the kids. And then when I met my current husband, things got even worse with my ex. When I didn’t have my kids, I’d become a big drinker. I would get black out drunk. I even tried to go to college during all of that and I did graduate. I get triggered still to this day. I can’t stand fighting. I’ve done a lot of counseling, but I don’t like talking about it. It wasn’t pleasant.
Healing: How did you heal?
My healing started because of my husband now. We became best friends over the phone. I talked about how I hated men. That I didn’t need them. He told me if I wanted to have a relationship with him, I needed to get help with my past. We got together and he one hundred percent respects me then and now. I went to counseling, and I reported my ex-husband, but it went no where. I had no police reports, no proof.
Five years ago, my ex-husband died of a fentanyl overdose. Some of my healing comes from his death. I had to grieve him. I had known him since I was ten. I went into a forest with a bat and a picture of him, and I put it on a tree and I beat the living crap out of it. Because of everything. He’d abused me. He’d left the kids. He chose drugs. I hated myself for grieving my abuser.
But I built myself up from only owning a couch to buying my own place, my own vehicle. I now don’t have to worry about court battles. I don’t have to worry about the kids. My advice is: allow yourself to be angry. And when you have self hate for the choices you’ve made, allow yourself to love yourself.
