Cause: What happened?
We find relationships in our life based off the kind of love we think we deserve. The first abuse in my life started with my father, so when I looked for a relationship in my adult life, I was always trying to find something that I never even had growing up. I went through all these terrible, awful men who treated me poorly and it left me a shell of a person. I met a guy online and we ended up dating for a little bit. It felt normal, it was fine at first but then one day it just wasn’t okay. He crossed a boundary – he assaulted me sexually. I never expected it from this person because he was someone I let into my life, someone that I trusted, and for him to do that, it took a lot out of me. I had a lot of internalized feelings, a lot of shame, like I deserved it, that it was my fault. I felt like it was my fault, and I had to live with the guilt around it, even though it wasn’t my actions that caused the situation to happen. But I was the one who had to deal with the broken dishes at the end of the day. I didn’t end up reporting him. I was over it and scared and I didn’t want to drag it on anymore than it needed to be.
It took me a long time to figure out myself, and getting myself out of that cycle of needing to be in a relationship, of wanting a man around. Everyone wants to feel loved. Everyone wants to be loved. But if people aren’t loving you in the ways you deserve, is that even love? I’ve been through emotional stuff, I’ve been through sexual trauma, physical abuse, there’s all these masculine wounds in my life and in my heart. How do you really change that if you don’t change yourself first?
Impact: How did this impact your life?
The impact is shit mental health. It affected the perception I have of my self. My perception of the world. My perception of other people, of men. It has impacted everything. I’ve taken every medication you can think of, even psychiatric medication, I’ve been through hospitals and treatment centres, psychologists, therapists, the whole shebang. Now it’s like who can I trust, who can I not trust? I start to worry about the people in my life, and I worry about if anyone should be let in anymore. It creates this tube of isolation. I either choose to trust again and heal myself or I’m stuck in this pattern of hurt and negativity, and of repeating a cycle I don’t want to repeat. Accepting the love you think you deserve? It’s really difficult. There’s a lot of support out there but at the same time there isn’t. There’s support but they don’t make it very accessible.
After having to come to terms with everything my dad did in my childhood, my second form of abuse was myself. I put myself through a lot of torment for a lot of years because of how other people made me feel – I was a reflection of their words – fat, ugly, stupid. And this impacted my ability to pick a good partner and has been a factor in me not being able to see red flags right away. I wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t a whole person. So, I looked for things that I thought were missing, but at the same time I realized I can give those same things to myself.
Healing: How did you heal?
I’m very lucky that when I was trying to heal, and even still on my healing journey, the people I rely on the most is my closer circle of friends and my mother. These people genuinely love me, genuinely want to see me do good in life, they genuinely have my best interests at heart. That group of people is why I know good men still exist, because I have good men in my life. And I have amazing women in my life too. They support me, love me, care for me, and they’re the reason I know true love is real, and that grace exists, and that you do find your people, regardless of if it’s romantic or not. You find your people and you stick with them. They’ve shown me unconditional love.
